Sadness and Grief

Last June was a difficult and joyous month. On the one hand, my angelic baby girl, M entered the world. Not even two weeks later, my grandmother who was more like a mother to me, passed away. All my family minus myself and my sister were there at her side when she went. I still have issues with the fact that I wasn't there, but at the same time I have realized that I could not have handled it. I still can't handle it. I've come to terms with it and am not crying all the time as I had been, but it definitely hurts.

It may seem strange that after so long I am writing this post, but I'm facing another crisis here. My grandfather is now in the hospital struggling to live. He had to have major brain surgery on Monday and is now on a ventilator. He's been sedated for the past few days and just today has been able to be off sedation. As difficult as it has been to see him sedated, I had a harder time seeing him today. He kept trying to talk to me and I couldn't understand him because he has the tube down his throat. I'm praying and hoping that he will be better but I'm not sure now. My head realizes that he's 87 years old, has lost his wife this year, and is probably ready to go. However, my heart can't deal with that. I cannot fathom losing both of them in a year. My grandfather was my father as my father was absent most of my life. This is like losing my parents. How do you deal with that? Where do you draw the line between what your head knows and what your heart feels??

I'm overcome with sadness and grief today. I'm sad for the situation and how my family is affected. I've effectively moved to NJ with the girls until my grandfather is either stable or... I can't even go that far. I'm grieving for my grandmother and beginning to grieve for my grandfather. Is this how you prepare for it? Will this make it hurt any less? I'm just overwhelmed right now and wish I could just sleep until everything is better. For tonight that is what I will do. Tomorrow, I will get up, have a nice breakfast with the girls and J and then head to the hospital. I will do my best to stay positive and smile at my grandfather. I know he needs happiness right now and that is what I will give him.

--K