Summertime Blues...

Ok...it's official. Summer needs to be over, like now. There are only so many times I can hear "I'm bored" before it drives me insane. In fact, if I hear it again today you might as well come visit me at the nut house.

It's not like we aren't doing anything all day long.  We take trips to the farm, playground, mall, story time, free concerts, etc.  We've been making doll houses out of shoe boxes and cookies from scratch.  We've attempted swimming but the rain always foils our plans.  Point is...we've had plenty of things to do.  But yet, the boredom strikes.  And it's not all on the younger members of our house, nope...I'm bored!  Bored of the number of children's activities I need to come up with to fill our day.  Bored of the tons of laundry and other household stuff I should be doing on a daily basis.  Bored, bored, bored...

I do love that I get to be home with the girls.  But there are times, more now than ever, where I miss working.  Not necessarily the work itself, but the interaction with other people, the challenges, and being out of the house!  I know the day is coming when I will be back to working and come back and read this post and think, "I wish I was like that now!", but for now, this is how I feel.  I can't be alone in this right??  There have to be other moms who feel the same way!  I hope...

I think part of my problem is that I feel not in control of my life right now.  This whole job thing has thrown us all for a loop and it's crazy to think that I won't know where we will be living in the next few weeks.  It makes it hard for me to commit to anything, especially where the girls are involved.  Summer camp?  Nope...  More dance classes...won't do that either.  Why am I going to spend the money to enroll them in something to have us drop out in 2 weeks? 

I'm a crazy control freak, so my issues aren't completely about the kids and lack of activities.  I wish it was that easy.  The fact is that my hubby, J, is in complete control of this...not something I am used to at all.  We usually make decisions together or I completely control the show.  Don't get me wrong, I'll be having major input as to the final job decision, but the day to day applying, calls, etc. I can't help with. 

So I need something to distract me from going absolutely insane until this new job is in the bag.  Any suggestions out there??  Bueller, Bueller....

2 years...

2 years ago, I lost my grandmother. I know I have posted a few times about her, my grief, and how important she was to me. Today, I thought I would share something that only the people attending her funeral heard...her eulogy.

To set the stage, I wrote this in one shot the night before her funeral. I was almost 2 weeks postpartum, up all night because of grief and a newborn, so my emotions were raw. Well, here it goes:


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Margaret Carey lived a blessed life. She was a loving wife, mother, grandmother, great grandmother, and friend. She was an active member of her community through the Elk’s Club and American Legion. She touched many people’s lives, as we can see from all of the friends and family who have come to share in this time. On behalf of our family, I want to thank you all for being here.


Although today is our chance to say goodbye, it’s also a time to celebrate my grandmother’s life. She was the true matriarch of the family, the mother bear who took care of us all. She was always there for us, no matter what was going on. I’m sure there were times that we wished she wasn’t so nosey, but that’s just the way she was. You could always count on her to keep up with what was going on around her, even if she had to peek out the curtains at her house to find out.


Grandma gave us many gifts. She provided us all with a strong base to grow from. From her three daughters down to her grandkids, she has given us all a piece of her. Although we may have all been embarrassed by her screaming across the street at 4 o’clock in the afternoon that it was time for dinner, we appreciated her taking care of us. There was never a need to thank her, she just did it.She never cared what other people thought of her. In fact, she was always open and honest about the way she felt. At one time or another I’m sure we all heard her call someone a pain in the ass with no apology for it. Some people may have felt this was a major fault, but it was just grandma.


From her Star magazine obsession to stocking tons of toilet paper, Grandma had little quirks that we all loved. Like the fact that we always knew what we were having for dinner by what day of the week it was, or how a powdered sugar donut and a cup of tea was a perfect bedtime snack.


My grandmother was never one for showing her emotions, however we all knew how much she loved each and every one of us. She always had a hug waiting for us whenever we needed to be comforted, or the wooden spoon ready when we were in trouble. And in the end, we were able to do the same for her. As she left us, she was surrounded by the love and support of her family, just as she is today.


For all of this, I thank you, Grandma. You were truly a blessing to all of us, and will be missed.

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I think it's amazing how I can look back upon that 2 years later and still feel the emotion it was written with. I see flaws in it, like maybe I was trying to be more funny than serious, or that I should have added more about how wonderful she was, how she raised me to be the person I am today. How I wish I could go back and spend more time with her, call her more often just to tell her I missed her. Or how I think about her every day still and wonder if she would be proud of me. How I see her in my girls, their spunk and stubbornness, but also the way they always know when I'm thinking of her and need a hug.


I'm sure I will always wonder and wish and grieve. I guess that's part of remembering. I love you, Grandma, and I miss you more than anything.

Not sure what to say...

I've been neglecting this blog for a while now...sorry. Truth is, I'm not sure what to write. I have a few posts saved in drafts but haven't had the guts to post them. They're personal, deep posts. The kind that makes things seem dark and gloomy in my life. And although I've been using this blog as a virtual therapy tool, I'm not sure I want to go there. Truth is I'm afraid that if I open that door then a lot will fall out. Honestly, who wants to read about someone else's problems when everyone has enough of their own??

So I've been stuck. To clarify, there have been good things, great things going on as well. C had her last day of school and end of year performance. M is coming up on her 2nd birthday, and we had the first (of a few) celebrations for it. My house is back to being mine with no extra guests. We've taken trips to Baltimore, gone to see a few movies, and are getting ready to head up to NJ for my cousin's college graduation party. See, life isn't all gloom and doom here!!

Today while the girls are napping (or at least M is) and J is at work (yup, on a Saturday), I'm going to make an effort to blog. I'm going to download pictures, write posts and actually post them. What a novel idea, right?? So, until later....

Am I really going to go????

So J and I are scheduled to go away this weekend sans kids. We're heading to VA Beach for a friend's wedding/belated anniversary/my birthday celebration. Up until the last week I've been looking forward to this like a person on a diet looks at a bakery. I wanted to sleep, see a movie, have a blast at the wedding, and oh, did I mention, sleep?? The girls will be in the more than capable care of my inlaws and plenty of my family will be there to take them out and about. Well this past week major anxiety has set in about the whole thing and I'm actually considering not going. (NOTE: That won't actually happen because unless I've severed a limb and am gushing blood, J will kill me if we don't go!!)

So, what has set off this delusion that I cannot leave my children for a measly few days you may ask? To begin, this trip is going to cost us a small fortune. Between the driving and hotel, not to mention the wedding it will probably be the most costly long weekend we've ever been on. This alone is making me consider only going down Saturday for the wedding and heading back.

My next excuse, I mean reason, to not go: guilt. Ahhh...got to love the guilt!! What am I feeling guilty about? Let me count the ways...
1. I've never been away from M for more than a few hours and she's going through a major attachment to me right now.
2. We haven't been away from C since she was 9 months old, and am afraid after a day of fun at Mema's she's going to want to go home.
3. I feel bad that my inlaws will have the girls for so many days.
4. Did I mention that M is also teething and waking up at night?
5. And that C has been attached to J at the hip these days?

Ok...so before you all jump on here and yell at me that I have to go, I deserve to go...I know. Rationally I know. My brain is not that mushy to understand that I need a break and my children do too. However, I don't think I would be a mom if I wasn't worried about the impact it's going to have on my children. This really is a test to see how we all do. If it works well then hopefully there will be more mini vacations in my future, or at least the kids going to NJ without us. If it's a bust, well then who knows when we will go away again...when they are out of the house???

Sadness and Grief

Last June was a difficult and joyous month. On the one hand, my angelic baby girl, M entered the world. Not even two weeks later, my grandmother who was more like a mother to me, passed away. All my family minus myself and my sister were there at her side when she went. I still have issues with the fact that I wasn't there, but at the same time I have realized that I could not have handled it. I still can't handle it. I've come to terms with it and am not crying all the time as I had been, but it definitely hurts.

It may seem strange that after so long I am writing this post, but I'm facing another crisis here. My grandfather is now in the hospital struggling to live. He had to have major brain surgery on Monday and is now on a ventilator. He's been sedated for the past few days and just today has been able to be off sedation. As difficult as it has been to see him sedated, I had a harder time seeing him today. He kept trying to talk to me and I couldn't understand him because he has the tube down his throat. I'm praying and hoping that he will be better but I'm not sure now. My head realizes that he's 87 years old, has lost his wife this year, and is probably ready to go. However, my heart can't deal with that. I cannot fathom losing both of them in a year. My grandfather was my father as my father was absent most of my life. This is like losing my parents. How do you deal with that? Where do you draw the line between what your head knows and what your heart feels??

I'm overcome with sadness and grief today. I'm sad for the situation and how my family is affected. I've effectively moved to NJ with the girls until my grandfather is either stable or... I can't even go that far. I'm grieving for my grandmother and beginning to grieve for my grandfather. Is this how you prepare for it? Will this make it hurt any less? I'm just overwhelmed right now and wish I could just sleep until everything is better. For tonight that is what I will do. Tomorrow, I will get up, have a nice breakfast with the girls and J and then head to the hospital. I will do my best to stay positive and smile at my grandfather. I know he needs happiness right now and that is what I will give him.

--K